Make Eye Contact and Small Talk
Reflections on Timothy Snyder’s On Tyranny, Lesson 12
Last Spring, I was riding the Metro by myself when a young man sat next to me and started asking me questions.
It was awkward. Between his accent and the sounds of the train, I had a hard time hearing him, but I managed.
Where was I from, originally? Did I have kids? Pets? What kind of food did I like?
I decided to ignore all of the warnings in my head and answered, while asking him questions in return. His parents were immigrants, but he was born here. If he had to live in a city, and money was not an obstacle, he would choose New York, but his dream would be to have a sheep ranch.
Our conversation went on for about 30 minutes, interrupted by periods of silence. The awkwardness never left.
I finally asked if he talked to random strangers on the train all the time.
No, he had never done that before, but that day, he thought it would be fun and I looked like someone who would go along with it. It was fun and I’m glad I played along.
I hate small talk, mostly because I’m not good at it. I never know what to say. If you want to discuss how trees communicate or the common themes found in The Sound of Music and Star Wars, I’m your girl; but 20 minutes on the weather or traffic, ugh.
Nevertheless, I’ve tried to be more deliberate in talking with strangers, in resisting the temptation to forget that the person standing before me is another human being. They have dreams and ideas, a past and a future. They have a name.
This is what it is to humanize; to honor the dignity and humanity of others.
A few years ago, I took my youth group to the local homeless shelter to serve dinner. The instructions we were given included keeping it simple, just hand everyone a plate of food. They get what they get.
When it was time to serve, one of the boys with us, who was about 12, took charge and asked the first person what they wanted: chicken or beef (tacos). Then, a couple other youth lined up at the window and offered customized condiments. They made eye contact and occasionally even smiled.
Each person’s humanity was acknowledged and they were given some agency over their meal.
Not long after that night, I was encouraged to make that monthly activity more efficient by just collecting money and having food delivered. But I understood that my job was not to find the most efficient way for the church to fulfill its obligation, it was to help young people discover what it means to live as followers of Jesus.
After decades of working with young and old (and in between!) I learned that if the goal is transformation, and not indoctrination, then the most impactful means of change is to get people outside of their comfort zones.
It’s not rocket science. It’s harder.
It requires that we share life with those around us; that we step outside of our bubbles and into the lives of others - and allow them into ours; that we remember that we are all made in the image of God; we are all just human.
This changes us. We become lower while the other is raised up; sometimes the power shifts in the other direction.
That’s why works of mercy are a means of grace.
I have long heard Christians lament the changes they see in their children after they go to college, having been influenced by “liberal” professors.
I think what actually happens is that those young people experience humanity for the first time and discover that the people they were taught were different, are just like them.
Their definition of “neighbor” changes and they learn to not be afraid.
Christianity should not instill within us a spirit of fear or of superiority, but modern evangelicalism has embraced the fundamentalist idea of holiness through separation, which is biblical, but not Christlike.
In a time when so many leaders use their words and actions to dehumanize, let us take every opportunity to humanize, and allow ourselves to be changed for good.
Follow me on Substack to get content delivered to your inbox.